Under New Management
by notmagnificent
Summary: Lauren and I buy the show House MD. Hilarity ensues. xD Total crackfic, lots of randomness.


**A/N: Okay, you guys will probably find nothing funny in this whatsoever, but that's besides the point. It's really mostly inside jokes with me and Lauren (ncis_lauren) from Neopets. ;D**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoy our changes to House MD.**

**Oh, and BTW: I don't actually own House MD. After reading this, you'll probably be damn well glad I don't.**

_[Lindy is standing in front of a table surrounded by David Shore, Katie Jacobs, and various screenwriters.]_

_[Lauren is standing next to Lindy, passing out project folders.]_

**Lindy:** Hello, everybody. As you already must know, I am Lindy Newman, the new owner of the show 'House, M.D.' _(gestures towards Lauren)_ This is Lauren, the co-owner of your show.

**Lauren: **_(waves stupidly)_

**Lindy:** Thank you, Lauren. Anyways, we are here today because I want to run a couple things by you all. Now keep in mind that _**none of these are up for debate and if one of you so much as speaks during this meeting, that unlucky soul will be cast into the fiery pit of hell.**_

**Lauren:** _(clicks projector remote)_

_[An image of fiery brimstone appears on the projector screen, with Satan standing in the middle, smiling.]_

**Lindy:** Thank you, Lauren. Anyways, me and Lauren have thought long and hard about the changes we want to make in this show, and we have come up with quite a few ideas.

**Lauren:** _(clicks projector remote)_

_[projector changes to an image of House and Wilson half-naked; furious groping/fondling is taking place.]_

_[One of the writers faints]_

**Lindy:** We have decided to travel down the romantic path of House and Wilson. All House/Cuddy advances will be immediately abandoned for wildly inappropriate gay sex scenes.

**Lauren:** _(clicks projector remote)_

_[Projector changes to an image of BROMANCE cover of TV guide magazine]_

**Lauren: **We need a _serious_ increase in bromance, people. Like, twenty bajillion-fold. Srsly.

**Lindy:** I agree with Lauren 193 percent. More bromance!

**Lauren:** And slumber parties. We must have _slumber parties!_ _(clicks projector remote)_

_[An image of House and Wilson, dressed in pink and painting their toenails, appears on the screen.]_

**Lindy:** We want them to look gayer than Tom Cruise here, guys.

**Lauren:** For srs.

**Lindy:** Next issue. Chase/Cam. We can keep them, but Chase's hair needs to go.

**Lauren: **_(clicks projector remote)_

_[screen changes to an image of Chase, completely bald and with a bushy European moustache]_

**Random writer:** Why did you give him a moustache?

**Lindy and Lauren:** _SILENCE!_

_[Random pit opens up below his chair, sucks him in with a scream]_

**Lauren:** Very well then.

**Lindy:** Chase cannot have better hair than anybody on this show, especially not his girlfriend. It just defies the very laws of physics.

**Lauren:** It's so true…

**Lindy: **Next issue: Foreman. After a great deal of thinking and character analysis, we have determined this:

**Lauren:** Foreman is asexual.

**Lindy: **He will have little black children whom House will racially insult, then move to Canada to escape his boss' oppression.

**Lauren:** And speaking of babies…

**Lindy:** Oh, right. Cuddy will become magically impregnated by sex gnomes in her sleep, have her half-gnome creature child…

_[Lauren clicks projector remote to reveal a photo of a baby with long, curly hair and a disgustingly large, bulbous nose.]_

…then move to Jamaica.

**Lauren: **Do not ask why she moves to Jamaica.

**Lindy:** We shall forever call Kutner 'Kumar'. He shall be known as nothing else.

**Lauren:** Even on the set, off-camera, you must still call him Kumar.

**Lindy:** Yes. Kumar will be paired with Thirteen/Remy/Rena.

**Lauren:** Then we will go back to obsessing over her bisexuality for awhile and pair her with every female that walks through the set.

**Lindy:** It will end with Thirteen's tragic and heartbreaking death.

**Lauren:** She will be suddenly struck with AIDS and eventually die. Poor Thirteen.

**Lindy: **Taub will leave his wife to go join a grey squirrel colony, and mate with every squirrel in his nest. He will have large, hook-nosed squirrel babies named Tina, Alfie, Bob, Carl, and Sarah.

**Lauren:** Lucas the PI is _obviously_ House and Wilson's genetically impossible child.

**Lindy:** Can't you see the family resemblance?

_[Projector clicks to an image of Lucas that slowly merges with ones of House and Wilson.]_

**Lauren:** It's quite obvious.

**Lindy:** Last but not least, we will be firing Stephanie Venditto, a.k.a. Nurse Brenda, to encourage her to pursue a role in children's science films.

**Lauren:** _(clicks projector button)_

_[Image of Nurse Brenda, side-by-side with Bill Nye the Science Guy, appears on the screen.]_

**Lauren:** The similarities are slightly disturbing.

**Lindy:** So…what do you all think?

**Lauren and Lindy:** _(both realize that everybody has flung themselves out the window)_

**Lauren:** o well. Let's go on livejournal and type in CAPSLOCK for three hours, then glue our hands to the mouse so we can forever surf deviantart.

**Lindy:** OK!

_[Both girls run off to do said things, and live happily ever after.]_

_[Until dying of AIDS three days later.]_

_[How sad.]_

**LOL. The CAPSLOCK thing is referring to the wonderful community of CAPSLOCK_house. ;D You should go check it out.**

**And don't forget to review, ofc. Even if it didn't make any sense.**


End file.
